Growing Pains
when one door closes another one opens or so they say the doors have felt jammed shut for a long time now if i pull too hard the handle will fall off and i barely have a handle on this all i barely have a handle on who I am because at least before this i was defined therefore i was fine i was categorised there was shape there was structure and now i don’t know where the lines are in which i am supposed to be colouring in between i wake up and i stretch but something in the air grabs me and it pulls me limb from limb so tight how i hate these growing pains something pulls at my chest it doesn’t want me to rest it won’t let me feel at home in my own body it wont let me find home home has moved so many times in the last 5 years and now i don’t know where i want to be on this map there’s no ladders only snakes only stairs on which i fall throwing pains it’s all changing like mazes they shift the cogs have become stuck this once well-oiled machine now creaks it rusts my heart grows bigger than my chest these ribs even if they broke couldn’t create another human although another human I do become my heart beats 15 heartbeats per second that’s the heartbeat of 15 people the stresses i carry of 15 people suffering from suffering from everything that’s why i can’t take it it’s too much for this one human who curls into foetal position as soon as anything gets too hard i hug my heart so tight it might break its pace fluctuates i don’t have the heart for the things i need the heart to do O these growing pains the not knowing pains the i’m going insane pains how do I grow into you how do i grow into you how do i grow where do i grow where do i go where am i going where am i growing