The Intricacies of Queer Love
The difficulty of dating as an andro-presenting, masc-personality lesbian.
By Caesar
So, what is this? Well, to be completely honest, it’s a piece of writing not for anyone other than myself. Something I’ve thought about, something I think about and something I want to understand better. I say all this to preface, these are inquiries, thoughts and opinions compiled over years of observation and experience. This isn’t an essay based in fact, but more me.
Based on me. And you, if you can relate.
Wonderful. Now that that’s out of the way, I’m Caesar. A black androgynous, gender-fluid lesbian with mostly masculine energy. Yang truly does rule most of my chart.
What does any of this mean though, ya know? Why am I really here and telling you this? Well, I’m telling you this because it means everything and nothing inside of a small community. Lesbianism is an incredible thing to navigate and as amazing as it can be, it can be equally as confusing and heartbreaking. In short, within the lesbian community are identities–many identities– but the two most prominent are Masc and Femme.
What are these? What does this mean? One is the man and one is the wo- No, both are women and neither are men. However, one might absolutely channel the energy of said “man.”
Masc-presenting women or studs/dykes (black only) are the stronger archetype of lesbian love. Paying for dates, mens clothing, protective energy, maybe even slight inclination toward turning straight women. These are just a few stereotypes.
Then you have Femme-presenting people. Soft, the one being taken care of, a pillow princess. Again, stereotypes. Whether they hold true or not… Use your own discernment.
But then, you have a third. One that kinda gets mixed up in the fray.
The androgynous sort, the one who is a little of both, a little of none. Tomboy is the word we all unfortunately grew up with. And I am that sort.
As the homies would joke, I’m a part of mascara and lipgloss Twitter. Not really knowing how to do makeup and to be frank, not really having a burning desire to learn it, adjusting to dresses and skirts, understanding my femininity twenty-one years into my life. But also still fearing it.
Being an androgynous lesbian with masculine energy has seemingly made the dating pool more of an experiment and I’m kinda wondering why that is. From observation, I’ve learned many things about the previously stated presentations.
One group loves turning straight women and engaging in whirl-wind, novelty sexcapades but will be left by said partner for a man.
While the other group can quite frequently mistake one as a man.
Both situations are awful and saddening. Because we’re all women, who want to be loved gently and properly.
However, as an andro person, I’ve realised that in ways you can receive the worst of both of those worlds, in different ways. Dating feminine had its beautiful moments, but I also felt besides myself, trying to squeeze into a box or role that really isn’t my character. Masculine energy does not a masculine person make. And dating masculine has taught me beautiful lessons about what a gorgeous and soft woman I can be. However, it's also really made me tap into my insecurity and has had me second guess myself in a lot of ways. The ways in which I thought I was comfortable. And it wasn’t the people so much as it was the place, the time or the circumstance. Being with a femme person who wants to be strapped, being with a masc person who wants you to get dolled up. It’s quite the labyrinth and in that labyrinth, there are some demons.
Learning insecurity through hyper-security is a confusing time, I’ll tell you that. It sneaks up on you. I learned through my masc dating experience that because my femininity isn’t like anyone else’s, I mistook its uniqueness for lesser than. One thing does not make the other untrue. Yes, I am unconventional in the ways I do everything, but that doesn’t mean that my femininity is any less beautiful and one-of-a-kind than any other. You see? I also had to learn that my personality, my energy, me–it’s all wonderful and allowed. I can be masculine because it’s who I am. To try and fit into a heteronormative ideology has never been something I’ve desired to do. Even when I slept with men. I can be andro, masc, femme and all the in-between. Because that is my honest to God truth. Any woman who doesn’t like that isn’t a woman for me.
And though my experience thus far has been beautiful, I’ve also witnessed many masc folk deny or even unconsciously be less inclined toward andro women and I wonder everyday why that is. Maybe the hetero-romanticism, maybe “preference,” but just an observation. Masc women also seem to have stronger restrictions about the type of women they date. Rules in the bedroom. Masc women seem to be less adventurous on that front. So, this is my question to you all: why?
I suppose whether I truly get an answer or not is irrelevant but at the very least, if I encouraged conversation, that alone feels wonderful.
All in all, being who I am, learning what I have and growing from it all has been a blessed experience, as it was also mind blowing. Dating is still a blind game but I’ve also worked on my night vision, so my pickens have gotten much better. I hope everyone who reads this takes something from it. I know I did.
Yours truly,
Caesar.