An Intimate Portrait of the Relationship Between Me and My Period
By Chika Ojukwu
My complicated relationship with my period began when I saw my sister naked from the waist down crying on the living room couch.
We were both 8 years old, twins from birth who never reached a milestone without the other. When one of us learned to read, the other did too. When the other made their first steps, the other wasn’t far behind. We were in sync. Until the day when my sister was bleeding down there and I wasn’t.
When it happened it was such a shock that we sincerely thought she was dying. Up to that point, all we knew was that blood meant bad. Blood meant hurt. Blood meant dead. But she was alive and we didn’t know why. We were two little girls, not even a decade old, who didn’t know what was happening. I believed my sister was going to die. Do you know how traumatic that is for an 8 year old? To this day, I still remember the visceral fear that caused me to scream and cry over my sister’s bleeding body.
Fast forward 10 years and here I am writing a tell-all about my less than savory relationship with my period. I guess seeing my sister’s legs splayed open, her crying for mercy, and me trying to search for the source of the bleed in her vagina does that to a person. I’m surprised I haven’t manifested my feelings through arson and set fire to a menstrual products factory. I suspect that my feelings toward my period were directly influenced by that very traumatic event that happened in my life.
Before I get into the nitty gritty of the details of my feelings, let’s talk facts. What is a period, anyway? What does it mean? What does it actually do to my body?
A period is just a colloquial term for a more technical name: menstruation. Menstruation is when the thick lining in your uterus is flushed out of your vagina along with blood and tissue after ovulation. It happens once a month and usually lasts from 3-7 days. People first experience it when they go through puberty and that age varies from 7 to 16 years old. Menstruation occurs every month (excluding pregnancy) and lasts until you go through menopause.
Plainly put, menstruation is an experience that every person with a uterus, ovaries, vaginas, and fallopian tubes will go through.
Now, if you felt like you were reading a graphic horror novel when I was describing what happens during menstruation, don’t worry, I did too. Those are just words on the page, though. The most accurate description of a period can only come from those who have gone through it.
For example, my mother hated her period. When I was aware what a period was and what it meant, I began to see the signs of my mother going through it in clear detail. She would be incorrigible during her cramps and would lay in bed for hours at a time when it was really bad. She would always feel the most insecure when on her period due to the bloating that occurs during it. She would usually curse out at her body in frustration.
Seeing my mother, who was able to juggle a 12 hour night shift at the hospital 5 nights a week be brought to her knees by her body etched itself in my mind. I thought, “How dare you? How dare you do this to my strong and beautiful mother? What gives you the right?” Even now, I never forget those images in my mind, of my mother hunched over, clutching her stomach, and having tears running down her face.
A friend of mine referred to their period as ‘shark week’: the time of the month where blood comes out in the water and the sharks come to feed. Another friend of mine had such powerful cramps that she could physically not move her body. She now takes birth control pills in order to stop her period from happening.
And me? I have one main feeling during my period: disgust. Absolute disgust. Disgust with my body, disgust with my vagina, and disgust with my emotions. I feel like I turn into this filthy gremlin for the one week of my period. I feel dirty no matter how many times I clean myself and smelly no matter how much I spray perfume over me.
When I’m on my period my confidence hits rock bottom. Past feelings of insecurity reappear and age old demons come crawling back, threatening to choke me. I often picture my mother with her face in anguish and feel disgusted that I have been rendered undone by my own bodies’ mechanisms.
What I see on television and movies don’t help the matter either. We who go through our periods see cis-men poking fun at the chemical effects that menstruation has on our emotions. It is often treated as a butt of a joke, something to play a laughing track to and dismiss with a scene of someone crying while eating ice cream.
And if it’s not comedic, it's seen as a symbol of evil. I think we can all visualize the iconic scene where Carrie has pig’s blood dumped over her and then goes on a murderous rampage. The blood symbolizes menstrual blood and represents horror, shame, and humiliation: all things that further destroy one’s perception of themselves.
This is unacceptable. For something that happens to so many people it is surely treated as something to hide and be ashamed of. That is not right. Our bodies are beautiful. They go through a myriad of transformations and reincarnations. They have the power to bring life into this world. There is power in our periods.
Even though I feel such negative emotions toward my period, I have never seen it as not necessary. I see it as vital to my living and breathing being. It flows out of me and cleanses my body from the inside out. It is not a mark of a sinner but a brand of a warrior. So when the week is over, the battle ground is clear, and I’m assessing my wounds, I know I have won this war.