Not Being Okay: Loneliness is Sanity, Too
by Annika Queyquep
While having our physics lesson, I stumbled upon something unfamiliar. I noticed that my teacher kept on repeating the word "entropy" - which is the second law of thermodynamics. Much to my surprise, the word actually means a lot of things. It could be used to describe uncertainty, randomness, or the measure of disorder. Indeed, one system would eventually reach a point of disorder. If we think about it in a bigger picture, disorder is always necessary for balance. Just like the concept of yin and yang, we wouldn't know what good is if there is no bad, or positives if there are no negatives. I think the same goes with happiness.
We always long to find happiness, especially in the midst of social distancing. It is at this time where most people find solace in the company of others. I had a particular encounter when a long time friend I hadn’t spoken to in a while, suddenly pops up on my inbox. She messaged me. After an obligatory exchange of hellos and a little bit of catching up, we finally opened up about our feelings throughout the quarantine period. She then explained her struggle with life - how she felt empty and lonely. How she questioned if the decisions she made were even significant. Was life worth living knowing that you probably won't leave a trace in this world? These piercing questions startled me, and even more so when I didn't know how to respond. How would I know? It took me a few minutes to reply. Of course I was expecting her to answer back, but it was only after a few days before she did: "Thank you. This was exactly what I needed." I put down my phone and expelled a sigh of relief.
Looking back, I was never really the kind of friend who you'd depend on. I can't easily give comfort and I wasn't that affectionate either. I guess I was more of a passive observer. When I get stuck in situations like this, my initial instinct was to play safe. Play the role of a typical friend, and keep things low key. Maybe I'd get away easily if I pitch her some cliche advice (though I guarantee you wouldn't be getting a good one from me). Maybe that would be enough to show my regards. But would I really mean what I said? Probably not. Repeating the same things over and over would make people feel more helpless. Some people might want to offer assurance, but in the end it would make them look slightly condescending. Don’t even get me started with the “How are you?” question. It wouldn’t get your conversation anywhere. There are better things to say. I also need to stop giving advice that I don't even apply to myself. It’s not like I know better, so I might as well stop pretending.
When she reached out, I knew that I had to connect to her somehow. Besides, not everyone would hit you up out of the blue if there wasn't something important. Let alone someone you haven't spoken to for years. Bringing up the topic of loneliness and isolation, my mind once again recalled the topic of our physics class, of entropy, of yin and yang. The juxtaposition of moods. I gave it some thought, and I told her what I should have been telling myself all this time - it's okay to feel lonely. I realized that my purpose was not to cheer her up with mere words- I was there to share our sentiments. To simply live in the moment of our conversation and rekindle meaningful interaction. She was not alone, cause I was experiencing the same thing. In this sense, I chose empathy over positivity. Sometimes people don’t need positive affirmation, they just want someone to relate to. Someone who genuinely understands.
People really need to think about the true meaning of emotional support, especially in these times when the idea of positivity is given too much emphasis. It is good to find hope in our situation, but I think it is better to accept the feeling of losing it in the first place. Let’s be free to feel our feelings, even if we don’t have a reason for it. Being lonely is a profound emotion, as opposed to shallow happiness. We cannot fore to know it either. The only way we'll be able to get over this is when we face the reality. Change is taking place, and it's overwhelming. We have to undergo the whole process of this complicated life - along with the what ifs and maybes. Times get dark, we lose people and sometimes, we lose ourselves. That doesn’t mean we’re following a wrong path. We can always stop before we decide to move on. In our current state, the more we’re locked in, the more our minds need to escape.
Most of my days in quarantine were spent in isolation, zoning out to music while lying down and staring into the void. In a span of a few months, a lot of things happened that took us by surprise. I always wonder how these moments fly so fast, but at the same time it also feels like an eternity. Emotionally, I’ve been unstable - and I know a lot of others are, too. Loneliness is a crucial step that urges us to see the truth for what it is, and everything else follows. Never abandon the feeling of sorrow and don't try to numb the pain, because that is what led us to realize what we left behind. And it tells us what we should continue to search for. After all, emotions are the very essence of being human.