The Remnants of Purity Culture
By Jailli
There is this overwhelmingly high bar in religious culture. Especially for women. And to share based off of my own experiences, specifically Christian women. Sexism reigns high in the religion and Christian women are forced to comply because the voice of authority, the moral dictator, the highest power, has deemed it to be just. And at the very least that’s what women were told was true even if that’s not what the man upstairs truly intended.
Because the Christian culture villainizes women for stepping out of turn, that means that there is a very thin line that I feel like I have to tread on. Balancing myself with the social aspects of my world and the faith based side of my world has always been a struggle. I find myself clinging too hard to one side and neglecting the other because I’ve always been an all or nothing kind of person.
In terms of sex and sexuality, at least for me, the worldly side always wins over. Not because I don’t believe in waiting for marriage or taking my time but because it feels like the one thing I can control; that is my body. When my legs were forced open I learned what it was to lose my control. And because that feeling was so scarring I took this sort of silent vow to always hold on to my power, to my control because I knew how easily it could be lost.
My reasons for not having sex aren’t faith based but rather trauma based, and because purity culture still runs rampant the distinction between the two doesn’t matter. Either way I’m not having sex. My fear of intimacy and my tight grip on control are all signs that I have an issue that should be addressed. That should be dealt with.
But trying to fix me would mean that there was something wrong with me for being afraid to have sex. Trying to fix my problem would be frowned upon because technically I was doing the right thing. I recognize on the flip side of the coin there is a shaming of women who want sex and go after it. Those women are forced to wear black marks on their skin as reminders of what they’ve done.
I also recognize the women who wait and hold on for their first times and afterwards all they feel is shame and guilt. Because purity culture fueled the narrative that virginity is not just a thing that they have but a part of who they are.
The nuances of purity culture even affects men in negative ways. But the overarching message that Christians send about sex is only complicating a simple matter. Because if sin is sin, what makes having sex any worse than telling a lie? Than stealing or disobeying your parents?
The truth is if sin is really sin then this public shaming needs to end. The push for perfect purity needs to end. This attack on women needs to end. It only creates room to victim blame, perpetuate sexual dysfunction and to shame and silence women. And in my case it leaves me and others like me left to the side. It means that down the line my issues get harder to deal with because when I’m ready to finally take that leap I know what will be waiting for me on the other side. I can only pray I have enough strength to see it through.