To my dearest friends
Featuring Phoenix Poore, Birdy Francis, Isa Kluger, Bex Lark, and Vici Barrera
To my dearest friends,
I don’t know if I’ve ever been completely honest about the way I have settled into my own skin over the years. For a long time I was lost; I felt like I was a soul inside a body that wasn’t mine. No part of me wanted to claim this body I was in. This wasn’t exclusive to my appearance, it was mainly embedded in the way I carried myself, my confidence and who I wanted to be.
It wasn’t until I watched the Euphoria episode “Fuck Anyone Who’s Not a Sea Blob” that I had a sudden realisation that I am built up of all the people around me. In the episode Jules talks about how in her experience as a trans woman, and specifically about how she felt she was constructing her femininity around what she saw other girls do. Whilst I can’t relate to Jules specific experience, the way she talked about how we might be influenced by the people around us really hit me. It was then that I noticed I was built up of the best parts of all of you, and gratitude isn’t a big enough word for how I feel.
Let’s put aesthetics aside because bar the few clothes I might see on you guys that I suddenly want, I never felt that I had to change much about the way I looked. There must be something in the fact that before I buy something I always send screenshots for approval… But that’s something else entirely.
When it came to confidence, I lacked. In school, with my two closest friends, I always felt I was the quieter one in the group. The one who didn’t speak to many people, wasn’t liked by many people, but it did help me observe. I observed how you both kept smiles on your faces, and weren’t worried about what other people thought. You were open, welcoming, friendly. You weren’t afraid to spark conversation because why should you be? You guys didn’t even have to try. That’s probably why I managed to make more friends in university. Why I managed to navigate myself through my year abroad knowing absolutely nobody but coming out of it with friends that will be dear to me for life. You guys weren’t afraid to check me when I was acting out either. When I got caught up in a crush and neglected you guys, you reminded me how important friendship was and I’ll never let a ‘love’ interest get between us again because of that. The thought of it makes me sick.
Whether we’ve been friends for 11 years or 1, you have all taught me to respect myself more. It could be from coming to you with my issues or being told about your own, I have learnt the value of my self-hood. Because of you all, I will never:
Let someone disrespect me
Doubt myself for feeling upset or wronged
Overcompensate or feel the need to prove myself to someone
The way you guys carry yourself in relationships, friendships, with family or with colleagues etc. has taught me so much about what should be let slide and what shouldn’t. If I didn’t have you guys, I would be 10 steps behind in these lessons-- constantly settling, constantly getting hurt and allowing myself to be belittled. The way you take things in your stride or stand up for yourselves is buried deep into my essence of being. You remind me that I don’t always need to know what to do, or what to say, as long as I know who I am.
Importantly, you remind me that although it’s a cliche, it really is okay to not be okay. It really is fine to feel down, to feel confused and to feel displaced. All that matters is that I keep going, and the strength that I have comes from you.
Thank you and I love you,
Gurpreet