Let bell hooks Teach You 'All About Love'
By Gurpreet Raulia
Graphic by Alex Ramos
In the midst of a heartbreak that I could never have imagined experiencing, I felt I received a good omen in the shape of a book. I finished the book in three days, which, for me, is unimaginable as someone who typically finds difficulty focusing on a book. The words felt like they came from a well-needed mentor who gave me some invaluable lessons on love.
I had never read bell hooks’ works for pleasure before, as she became incredibly pertinent to my studies. I would say bell hooks is the most eloquent academic I have ever come across, and I feel extremely lucky to have done so. At only 69, her passing hit the world by force. As I scrolled through the various tributes to her on my Twitter feed, I kept coming across odes to her book All About Love. Having sparked my curiosity, I was determined to read it.
That morning, I woke up and took the COVID test that would allow me to leave isolation, and to my absolute joy, it came out negative. I was able to leave my room for the first time in 8 days. In those 8 days, I did a lot of reflecting on my breakup, and realized there was still so much more I needed to learn about love. The book felt like it came at the right time. I needed to finish off buying Christmas presents (on Christmas Eve) so I set off to the shopping center and I knew the first place I needed to go was the bookshop. Having known there were too many books to go through alone, I asked the clerk if they could confirm it was in stock. Luckily for me, there was only one left. After a short wait, the book was brought to me. A Christmas present to myself.
bell hooks writes with such determination that everything she says reads like fact. Of course, the book is only her personal insight of love, but the applicability of everything she says makes it hard not to take it as gospel. What I appreciated the most about the book was that it was not restricted to romantic love. hooks delves into family love, platonic love, and the love of material items, which all circle back to the self and the love one owes to oneself. hooks also talks about loss and greed, which is helpful for self-reflection. I admittedly am yet to read the chapter on death, as I get to grips with my existential anxiety, but I know it awaits me when I’m ready.
It is a common notion to suggest that all of our adult problems stem from an unstable childhood. hooks is not there to psychologically heal us, but she does believe there is some truth in this fact. When it comes to love, hooks highlights that our first introduction to love is through our parents, but not all of us come from the same background. A neglected child is likely to have a tumultuous relationship with love in their adult life due to issues of abandonment and lack of trust. Yet, hooks believes that even in households that appear to be loving and nuclear, we are often blind to the way that our experiences shape our understanding of love in the future, especially in dysfunctional households, which to the unassuming eye is the standard of a healthy family life. Houses that insist on patriarchal modes of functioning, and families that insist on a culture of discipline often lead children to having mixed messages of love in their formative years. Many of us now see the issue in beliefs such as, ‘I shout at you because I care about you’ or ‘I hit you because I love you’. When we grow up and experience our own versions of love, these messages from our childhood often confuse us. hooks emphasizes the need to prioritize a love of justice; that is to ensure fairness in our various relationships, without which our relationships are likely to fail.
Another incredibly notable moment in hooks’ book, which defines her mission to reinvigorate love in our culture, is her identification of society’s unfortunate commitment to lovelessness. hooks notices that we have developed a profound pessimism towards love which has caused us to become selfish, egotistical, and driven towards independence. Whilst this is valuable for personal progression and for the dismantling of patriarchal, heteronormative structures, hooks believes that we are constantly drawing ourselves away from our innate desire and passion to love and be loved. Nowadays, we love money, we love self-care and we profess that we don’t need a partner, but there is a difference between needing and wanting. hooks opens the book with a confession that from a young age, she learned that a life without love is not a life worth living, but only few of us think this. We don’t allow ourselves to desire connection, through which we can learn so much.
Reading the book wasn’t easy. At one point, I was grieving my relationship and was on the path of creating my own vendetta against love. If it weren’t for this book, I would have been ignorant of the mistakes I had also done in my relationship. I wouldn’t have been able to recognise where I went wrong; where I truly could have given more to ensure the happiness of myself and the person I care for so deeply. At many times, I wanted to post the book to him and tell him: this is how one loves; however, the book made it clear that we have our own journey to understanding how to give and receive love. Regardless, I hope one day, the message finds him.
This book is one that I would encourage everyone to read. Even if I hadn’t been trying to figure out the ins and outs of the failure of my own relationship, this book still would have been incredibly valuable for every relationship I will encounter in my life, be it romantic, platonic, material, or spiritual. It would be a shame not to let hooks’ message live on. ◆