Getting That SOS Call
“Half of us chasin’ fountains of youth and it’s in the present”
While I know that this lyric from the song “Good Days” by SZA, from her latest sophomore album, SOS, refers to a significant other, I associate this lyric more so with grief. Grief can be very draining. It feels like you’ll never see sunny days again, only gloomy days ahead without the person you are missing. I’ve chased those fountains of youth so many times. I wonder if maybe things would be better if I was a child again; I’m still trying to accept the truth of my physical reality and understand why my loved ones aren’t in it.
After my grandfather’s funeral in Congo, I came back to the States and heard that SOS was going to be released soon. I was excited not only as an SZA fan but as someone who needed to look forward to something new after experiencing a tragedy in a whole different place. Music is therapeutic, and I needed something to distract me for a while after the trip.
While SOS came out in December, I ended up processing about four deaths throughout October to November
This was the only thing I looked forward to. Maybe I was relying on SZA to be a type of savior — someone who could keep me away from my sadness, and hopefully transform it into healing with the release of the album. I didn’t know I would relate to so many songs.
Seek & Destroy
“Now that I’ve ruined everything, I cannot complain
Now that I’ve ruined everything, I’m so fuckin’ free
Now that I’ve ruined everything, keep it all for me
Now that I’ve ruined everything, space is all I need”
After experiencing these deaths, I wondered if my grief would get in the way of finding love. Would I be able to go out there and socialize again? Would I be able to reconnect without making my significant other feel like they are carrying my burdens? I didn’t want to bring grief to the table; that’s what I was trying to avoid. There were parts of me that I needed to fix before entering any kind of relationship. I tried to connect with one guy but it failed miserably. Still, I took it as a lesson. To this day, I’m not sure if I was rushing into love or attempting to find love again.
But now that everything has fallen apart, I may or may not be ready to love again. I’m not saying I am proud of how things fell apart. Patience is so important and that’s what I was lacking to see during my grievance. I just wanted everything to fast forward — fast forward to a part of my life that wasn’t gonna be painful anymore. With patience, you earn peace somehow.
Used (feat. Don Toliver)
“Can’t tell if it’s even worth conversation
Hit a prayer, do it even work?”
I started to question my surroundings a bit, to wonder if my new environment gave me a sense of belonging. I started to feel homesick. You see, I am originally from Virginia, not Maryland. I was sick and tired of grieving for the fourth time in the same state, though in a different city. When my mother passed, I was living in Aspen Hill under my aunt’s care at the age of five. When I was sixteen I moved to Taneytown for a short time, until moving down to Rockville with my older sister.
In Aspen Hill, I grieved my mother and grandmother’s death and in Rockville, I grieved my grandfather and my friend’s death. My friend’s death occurred in Wheaton; during that time I wanted to leave Rockville so badly. I wanted to be closer to the friends I made within the Silver Spring-Wheaton area because I felt so alone. Experiencing four deaths throughout the past years within one state is draining. I’m either late to information or finding out new information. I recently discovered that my friend was buried in the same cemetery that my mother was. I kept reminiscing, but only about the bad things, which made me ache even more.
I kept telling myself, “I gotta get out of here.” I held so much frustration towards my city, and hoped that I could go back to Virginia. But this is something I’ve gotten used to. As much as I wanted to leave, as much as I tried to run away, I couldn’t.
It’s not that I haven’t tried, but what kind of support system would I receive if I went back to Virginia? Who would be there to understand? Is it better to wallow and stay in Maryland?
Open Arms
“You lost and found me
I was surrounded
With open, open, open
Open arms”
I was so done to the point where I expected the unexpected. I expected that death would continue to come my way and will follow me until the end of time. I didn’t want to manifest those thoughts and I tried to avoid speaking them into existence, but it happens. I’m still trying to understand the nature of death and understand that I don’t have the ability to turn back time or bring my loved ones back. Everything felt distorted, but day by day, I’m still trying. I'm still accepting the fact that they’re gone.
After the fourth death, something inside of me shifted. I may have become numb from time to time, but I never shut down emotionally. But this time I felt like I didn’t know who I was anymore. I started questioning my identity. I started asking myself, “Would I be normal? Would things ever be normal again?” I was mad at myself for losing myself, I was mad at myself for changing, and I was mad at myself that I would never be myself again.
I wasn’t permitting myself to enjoy myself. I don’t know why, but whenever I’m placed in emotional situations, I become insensitive to myself. I tend to work through sensitive situations, never giving myself a damn break. I tend to put myself down, telling myself that I don’t need anyone’s “pity”, even though this “pity" is often just support. It’s my ego thinking I can handle this on my own. Sometimes I reject sympathy from others thinking I don’t need it. After opening up about my grandfather’s death, I felt like I could finally exhale.
Rejecting those open arms was a lesson for me. By finally putting my ego down, for once, I was able to accept support from my friends, family, peers, and educators.
I expressed how I felt like my world was crumbling down — I thought I would have stability on my own. I thought I would create a structure on my own. I thought I could be secure on my own. But how can I create a home without holding hands? Those hands gave me the materials I needed to build a safe space in my mind and heart.
These helping hands can help me start fresh again.
Blind
“I hurt too much,
I lost too much,
I lust too much,”
Not only was I blind to the support I had from others, but I was also blind to my own worth. Throughout my grievance, in school, I kept pushing myself. I couldn’t let myself slip away again, so I attempted to control everything. I didn’t know how to let go and just let everything flow by itself. The lack of self-control made everything worse, to the point where I was distressed and I felt like I couldn’t do anything right. I’ll admit, I was pretty hard on myself. If I made one mistake, just one, I would tear myself down.
But later on, I realized I was being hypocritical to myself. I was telling myself that I didn’t deserve this kind of love but at the same time, I wanted people to go easy on me because of what I was going through. It was very conflicting — I don’t know if it was attention-seeking. I couldn’t really identify. For example, I didn’t do too well on a test and I tore myself down because of it, but at the same time, I kept saying, “I’m still going through grief,” and, “I’m sorry that I’m not as motivated as I used to be.” I felt like I was constantly making excuses for myself, stalling myself, self-sabotaging myself from actually having a chance of improving. But don’t worry- in the end, I did extremely well on our unit test.
I don’t make any excuses anymore because I’m learning the hard way that life carries on. Still, often I just want one moment in time when I don't have to portray myself as strong. I kept telling people, “I’m trying! I’m trying!” I felt like I wasn’t trying hard enough. I felt like I wasn’t enough. But I was able to be vulnerable for once.
I didn't constantly tell everybody that I was grieving because I didn’t want anyone babying me or anything. I’m trying to accept the hard truth: in the real world, some people just want you to move on for their needs.
What I wanted to avoid was being taken advantage of during a sensitive time like this, even if I wasn’t aware.
I just wanted everything to move at my own pace. ♦