Losing It: Trust Yourself, Own Your Decisions
‘Losing It’ is Sunstroke’s monthly sex education column. We examines the ways in which our socially constructed ideas of “virginity” influence our thoughts on sex, love and identity – particularly in the context of our ”first time.”
By Katie Lotz
Photograph by Mikayla Lobasso
Names have been changed for privacy purposes. Some quotes have been lightly edited for length and clarity.
If you’ve ever read a young adult novel, watched a coming-of-age movie, or literally just experienced middle school and high school, you’ve probably learned that sex, specifically having sex for the first time, is widely regarded as an incredibly significant experience and topic of conversation. This shouldn’t necessarily come as a huge surprise; after all, the first time for anything is always special. Everyone remembers their first kiss, first day of school, first time driving a car (the list goes on forever), but for many people, their first time having sex can be accompanied by a lot of surprising stigmas. Out of all of the socially constructed concepts that hold an incredible amount of weight in society, virginity is perhaps the most prominent, but what does it really mean to “lose your virginity”?
Occasionally, losing your virginity is described as the breaking of a person’s hymen, the thin membrane that partially covers the opening of a vagina. However, this definition has been proven to be unsound, as anything from riding a bicycle to falling off of monkey bars can break a person’s hymen; for instance, I broke my hymen jumping into a lake one summer at age 11, yet I don’t exactly go around telling people that Lake Payette took my V-Card. The most popular way to define losing your virginity, however, is simply having sex. Not only are these definitions inconsistent, but they can be fairly exclusive and problematic: the idea of virginity being attached to an intact hymen implies that only people with vaginas can “lose” their virginity, and the notion that only straight, penetrative sex can take a persons virginity is exclusive towards members of the LGBT+ community. Clearly, these definitions can be fairly hazy, and don’t truly seem to pin down whatever this great, dramatic idea of “virginity” really is.
Despite the muddy nature of the concept of virginity, many people still regard their first sexual experience as an important moment in their lives, and some people even claim to feel empowered by their virginity. In order to shed some light on this tricky subject, Alice*, an avid lover of musical theater, dedicated college student, and a former member of the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, offered some insight into her own experience with her sexuality, and how they have been influenced by her religious upbringing.
According to Alice, her religious upbringing had a significant effect on her mindset about sex, and placed a very large emphasis on the importance of virginity, especially for women. Alice recalls, “Being raised Mormon, I remember learning countless lessons on why chastity was so important, and how giving your future husband your virginity was the greatest gift you could give. In those lessons, they also had a way of teaching you that you're… unworthy if you didn't wait until marriage.” Alice even noted that after leaving the church, she still felt internal pressure to wait until marriage to have sex, due to what she referred to as “religious conditioning.” This lingering pressure to abstain from sex, even after leaving the institutions that demonize sex, is not unique to Alice. Many people with very religious or conservative upbringings end up suffering from sexual anxiety; Alice notes that she has known of many newlywed couples who struggle to enjoy sex after spending so many years being discouraged from exploring and enjoying their sexuality.
Alice’s First Time was with her current partner, who she describes as incredibly loving and considerate. Anyone’s first sexual experience is bound to elicit some butterflies and elevated heart rates, but for a person who has been taught that their self worth is tied to their sexual inactivity, the exciting nerves can easily give way to feelings of guilt or shame. Alice recalls experiencing some of these negative emotions, despite having a relatively positive experience with sex. Fortunately, Alice’s partner made sure he did all he could to ensure that she felt safe and enjoyed sex by consistently checking in with her, and by being knowledgable about the contraceptives they used. “I'd never ever seen a condom in person until my first time, as crazy as that is,” she said reflectively, “I'm glad my partner knew what he was doing so I didn't have to figure it out on my own.” One thing that Alice was surprised to feel after having sex for the first time, was mildly disappointed. “I thought that losing my virginity was going to be this big massive event that would change my life forever... and nothing. The world kept spinning. It's actually not the biggest deal in the world, even though a lot of people try to make it out to be.” As for her current sex life, Alice describes it as “emotional and wonderful”; she largely attributes this to the attentiveness of her partner and her evolving views on sex. Of her partner, Alice says, ”[he] only ever respected me and comforted me. He's really what made a huge difference in how [my first time] could've gone.”
After overcoming the guilt and shame that she was conditioned to feel about sex, Alice now has a very sex-positive outlook, and a healthy and happy sex life with her boyfriend. Alice recalls that telling her friends and a few trusted family members about her “sexual debut” was actually a fun experience; her friends were supportive and excited for her, and her brother even applauded her for having sex before he did. Looking back on her experiences, Alice remarked that if she could go back in time and tell her younger self what to expect about sex, she would tell her, “it's okay to relax and enjoy it. It's not this big bad thing or huge deal it's made out to be. It's honestly not even that good the very first time. Just relax. You’ll be ready when you’re ready. Trust yourself, own your decisions.”
As for the concept of “virginity”, it’s something that Alice would prefer to reject as a whole. In her experience, the idea of virginity was used to create an unnecessary and damaging stigma around sex and self worth. After unlearning these harmful mindsets around sex, Alice was able to feel more free and confident in herself and her sexuality, and consequently she regards “virginity” as something that “just doesn't matter to me as much anymore… All in all, I don't believe it's as big of a deal as it's made out to be by some people.” If there is anything that she wants people to take away from her story, Alice wants to emphasize that “You're just as worthy of love, respect, and happiness, ‘virgin’ or not.”