Losing It: “I Mean, Here I Am!”
‘Losing It’ is Sunstroke’s monthly sex education column. We examines the ways in which our socially constructed ideas of “virginity” influence our thoughts on sex, love and identity – particularly in the context of our ”first time.”
By Katie Lotz
Photograph by Mia Aicher, modeled by Nika Kovis & Kenzie Dalley
Some quotes have been lightly edited for length and clarity.
“It was very spontaneous, but everything was just beautiful. I was free”. These are the words of Cass, a confident, free-spirited 21 year-old, as she described the spur-of-the-moment solo road trip she took last year, which is one of her favorite memories. Cass mapped out a route, hit the road, and spent weeks exploring, crashing with friends, and living on her own terms. For Cass, this road trip was such a profound journey because it gave her the opportunity to spend time alone, to connect with new and old friends, and to visit beautiful places. This road trip that Cass embarked on is not unlike the journey of love and identity that we are all constantly navigating; Cass was kind enough to share some pieces of her own journey with us.
For Cass, virginity is not a concept that has taken up a lot of space in her life, nor has it ever been terribly significant to her. Many widely accepted definitions of what it means to ‘lose’ your virginity can be very exclusive, or nonsensical all together. Of her own definition of virginity, Cass said, “I definitely don’t think of it as girl-boy, penis-vagina sex. I don’t think that… For me I guess, I felt like it was the first time I had a physical interaction with someone that matched the way that I felt about them”. Despite her inclusive mindset around virginity, Cass doesn’t feel that virginity is something that needs to be reclaimed or redefined, simply because it doesn’t need to be relevant in the first place. To Cass, her First Time was very significant and memorable, but not due to any antiquated ideas about virginity. Rather, it was special by virtue of being a new and intimate experience. “There's a first time for everything, and I didn't really think of it any deeper than that. I knew that this was my first time having a sexual experience, but I didn’t really apply the term virginity to it.”.
The story of Cass’s First Time plays out along the lines of any romantic, coming-of-age love story. She and her high school girlfriend started out as close friends, who eventually began dating. Reflecting on this relationship, Cass said, “My first time was with someone who definitely meant a lot to me. We had been dating for a while. She was my first time for everything, and it was definitely something that we built up to. It was such an experience to kiss her for the first time, and then it was like, ‘ok we’re making out now; oh my god, I touched her butt!’ You know? Those little things were very exciting.”.
For Cass, one of the most important things about her First Time was the emotional intimacy behind it, and the connection that she and her girlfriend shared. By starting out as friends, and taking intimacy at a pace they were both comfortable with, they built an emotional bond that made their First Time a great experience. Cass feels that she wouldn’t necessarily have needed more advice on what to expect about sex, partly because she had such a positive first experience, and partly because First Times are just confusing by nature: “I feel like no matter what you know about it, no matter what advice you get, it's still just so new that it's still going to be weird to navigate.”.
Although she felt that she didn’t need more advice on what to expect for her First Time, Cass did express that a lack of early LGBT+ representation made navigating her personal journey of love and identity a little more difficult. Without seeing many examples of gay couples in the media, Cass found that she didn’t have many examples to compare her own feelings to. In addition to this, Cass said, “My friends around me, they were all dating guys, so their experiences were just different. I felt like I couldn't really apply what I saw around me to what I was experiencing”. If she could give her past self some advice, Cass said, “I would tell my 8th grade self ‘You can have crushes on girls and you can tell people about it. You can be entirely who you are, and it's not a big deal’.” Still, Cass isn’t too phased that her journey may have looked different from those around her; with a lighthearted laugh, she announced, “I mean, here I am! I figured it out”.
As far as what Cass would have liked to have learned in sex education courses in school to prepare her for her First Time, she thinks young adults would benefit from learning about sex from a more emotional point of view, as opposed from a very removed, anatomical viewpoint. “Talk about the intimacy behind it rather than just, ‘this is what sex is’”, Cass mentioned, before adding that it’s also important to emphasize that some people enjoy casual hook-ups, which is fine too! She also stressed the importance of teaching consent in sex education classes, especially in a realistic way. When describing how to ask for consent, Cass explained that communication is key, but it doesn’t have to feel unnatural: “just have basic respect for a person and their body and you'll know. And when you don't know, it's a no.”.
When Cass thinks back on her road trip, one of the most beautiful details that sticks out in her memory is the overwhelming sense of freedom she experienced. Out on the open road, she was able to chase new experiences, and even more importantly, she was able to spend plenty of time with her own thoughts, getting to know herself better. Cass’s stories of self discovery and freedom exemplify the importance of getting to know yourself, and what you want. Similarly, as much as our First Time can be a special moment with another person, it can also be an important milestone on our journey to better understanding ourselves.