We are Going to be Best Friends Forever
By Mary Holton
Memories flood through your brain. A tsunami of mixed emotions wrecking all sense of logic and reasoning in its path. Memories are arguably what ties together the brain and the heart. Everyone has those few core memories. Mine are almost all with her. I can still see her crystal blue eyes in front of me. I can see them squinting with laughter and I can see them clouded with tears caused by each other’s words and actions.
I remember driving around town watching the electric sunset. The song Sister Golden Hair by America was playing and we screamed the lyrics in the car despite being the only two who knew the words. Her hair is something that always stood out in my memories one way or another. Sometimes it was purple, sometimes brown, even green on occasion which was her least favorite. No matter the color, I always saw her as Sister Golden Hair.
I remember running my fingers through her hair as she rested her head under my chin while crying about her father. I remember always straightening the hair on the back of her head for her on nights where we would go out. No matter what the memory was, everything about it was also so bright, almost as if the saturation had been enhanced.
There were dark memories, but never a dark moment. Laying down with our heads at the foot of her bed and feet on the pillows, curtains pulled open so we could watch the lightning and listen to Clairo. Waking up early the next morning to watch the sunrise and get Starbucks. Going to the park that same day and getting boba tea and having a mini picnic. She wore yellow that day. She rarely wore yellow but I always thought of it as her signature color.
On July 4th, we laid in her driveway: watching the bright moon peek through the cloudy night sky. On August 2nd, we sat in the back seat together on our way to see her boyfriend’s friend an hour away in another city. We sang throwback jams together and held each other’s hands as microphones. We were connected at the hip. Wherever one went the other always came along, whether that be doctor appointments, family dinners, beach trips, we were always together. We even got cats together.
The words she said to me as we sat in the backseat of our friend’s car the day we got our new kittens still ring in my ears: “We literally just got cats together....we’re going to be best friends forever!” And in that moment, we could not see our lives without one another. We had spent some of the most extreme highs and lows of our lives together; it was no surprise we could not see our lives any other way than spent with each other. I learned in therapy that this type of bond could be classified as a trauma bond.
The two of us came together at a time when we both needed each other most. We had seen each other at rock bottom and lifted each other back up. We were the definition of platonic love. I truly believe she was one of my soul connections everyone has at some point in their life.
I don’t want to discuss the bad. I don’t want to talk about all the things we ended up doing to each other that ultimately drove us apart. I spent so much time looking for a connection to replace the one I had with her. I’ve come to realize that I will never be able to replace it.
The connections we have with individual people are all completely unique to that person. I will never be able to find someone who will make me feel the way she did because only she can make me feel that way. I can, however, find someone who can make me feel just as happy in their own way.
Whoever is out there reading this, living their own life completely separate from my own, I want to tell you that you are so deserving of feeling loved. Everyone experiences heartbreak in their life. It can be from a relationship or it could even be from your best friend.
Heartbreaks suck. They do. Something I want all of you to hear is that you will never be able to get over the person who broke your heart if you continue to chase the connection you had with them. If you do this, you will only continue to be disappointed because you will never be able to find that connection with anyone else except them. You have to put that in the past and use the lessons you learned from it to find new connections with people that are just as fulfilling as the old ones.
She will always be my Sister Golden Hair. No one will ever replace that. However, I am beginning to find my June, my Bennie and the Jets, my Novacane, and so many more and you will find yours as well. I promise.