“Now”: Toto Peña On the Spiral of Memory and Self-Acceptance
By Elida Silvey
Channeling his humanity into an oscillating rhythm, Toto Peña wrangles with the wicked spiral of memory, regret and emotion in his soulful new single “Now”. Peña is a Venezuelan-American singer-songwriter from Salt Lake City, Utah who studied recording arts and computer music at the Peabody Institute in Baltimore, Maryland. While enrolled at the institute, Peña formed the band June Pastel and signed with the indie recording label The Native Sound. Over the course of a few years, June Pastel saw success in the indie circuit of Baltimore’s surrounding cities but ultimately had an amicable end following COVID-19’s devastating effects on the music scene during the height of social distancing, as band members returned to their respective native cities. “Now”, his first solo single following his departure from June Pastel, exists as the perfect culmination of all his parts with a maturity that was lacking in June Pastel’s discography. Utilizing the emotions brought on by his memories and the textures of his musical influences, Peña imbues “Now” with the power of self-reflection in an effort to continue on the legacy of those that came before him.
Shot and directed by River Stephenson with super 8 footage by Kelsey Sharpe, “Now”’s music video utilizes the stunning landscapes and earthworks off the freeway exits of Salt Lake City in contrast with Sharpe’s footage of New York City to collage a visual representation of those underlying emotions. The Spiral Jetty, a basalt and salt crystal earthwork by American sculptor Robert Smithson (1970), and the Williamsburg Bridge are such fixtures. Curious to know where these emotions came from and where they’re headed, I sat down with Peña over the luster of a transatlantic Zoom call to discuss this collage of imagery and to pin-point the meaning buried within glistening guitar tones and paddling drums.
Elida Silvey: I saw that there was a juxtaposition of the New York City skyline and then Salt Lake — Can you talk a little bit more about this aspect of it?
Toto Peña: That's over by the Williamsburg Bridge. Actually, when I lived in New York last year, that was a very important place for me. That's where I went to think and escape. What ended up happening that wasn't supposed to be in the video — we lost some of the drone footage for the video that was supposed to go in that section. I went back to New York to finish it, but things just didn't line up right.
When I met with Kelsey, who shot that footage in New York, we sat down to better plan the video. I wanted more of a narrative than just found footage and that's when I realized when we were having dinner over Cuban food, I think it might be better if I shot this in Utah, in Salt Lake. I love New York and it's a very important city for me, but I'm not there.
That way we could actually use [the footage]. I was gonna scrap that whole part, but it worked out beautifully because I think the narrative that came out was the emotions surrounding memories.
I think that's what inspired the song and what inspired this whole era for me — just thinking about memories and different times of your life and having [that] rush of emotions and then remembering where you're at now. So it fits really well with the song.
I really loved that about it. I think the difference in your haircut, for example, made it stand out. It makes you realize this is the past while you're watching it, which I thought was really interesting. I also really loved how you had The Spiral Jetty and also the ‘O’ in the now as a spiral. Was that a concept that you wanted to do from the beginning, going with the idea of memory?
No, it just worked out because the driving force ended up being the fact that, in the song, there's a lyric that says; “I'm dying, I'm spiraling”. I guess once I decided I [was] gonna shoot this in Salt Lake instead of New York, it [made sense].I think this concept of the spiral is really interesting because another big aspect [of] the song is perspective and how being in different moments of time, memories look different.
The lyrics feel like growing up, you make certain choices and you feel like they’re [the] wrong choices, and you kind of get hung up on that. Then with some time, and maybe some personal work, you start looking back and you go, “Oh, it wasn't [a] wrong choice. It was me working through some shit.” Sometimes making those wrong choices gets you to the place where you can finally reflect and look back. That's something I gotta work on. Then, suddenly, that wrong choice is a good choice because it got you closer to your truth.
We’re all imperfect and we can be very harsh on ourselves. I think you've made something really beautiful out of it. There were aspects of the guitar sounds and then also the way that you were dressed [at] the beginning of the video that made me think of Simon Diaz and Giatas. Is Venezuelan music an influence for you at all? If so, in what ways?
Absolutely. Super inspirational and influential. I grew up visiting Venezuela and I really, really love music [from] there and embrace so much of that culture but it's also not my full experience because I grew up here in the States.
[I] think about how much migration [is] happening right now and [has] been from that country in particular. So I think it's interesting to think about how these borders and these predefined boxes are being challenged and tested. It feels nice to be a part of. There’s this cannon of artists that [wrote] the music that I listened to growing up and Simon Diaz speaks so much about the moon and the stars and that's something that's so important to me. It feels good to continue their work.
You mentioned you also have influences from the U.S. I would also like to know who your major influences are. In general, not just from the U.S.
In general, just a huge influence from Prince but growing up, the Bee Gees and Michael Jackson and even more recently Al Green and Marvin Gaye. The last two years they've really carried me. I also have a big love for American folk music, [for] song crafters.
It’s very cool to live in a connected globe and [have] so much access to music. Brazilian music! Just like Brazilian music in all caps.
Our neighbors! Honestly, it’s so good. I do sense that in some of the drum patterns that happen in the song. I really love the beginning of it, how it is a form of chaos, like a blurring of vision, and then it focuses and then you have this emotion that just fills the work. You've got something really cool.
Thanks. I like that beginning, [it] starts with the clave, which is the meter for salsa and Caribbean rhythms. I feel like it was very important to have that at the beginning to [show] that at the root this is salsa. Salsa is a nuyorican term for the mix of Latin music. Times have changed — We live in generations of our folks migrating, and we grew up in the States, but I think this is very much still salsa, you know? It's not typical salsa, but it's still a natural mix.
In his lyrics, Peña describes spiraling backward, a reflection of a time past, with statements such as, “It’s not my choice / No, not now / But it was at the start”, a spiraling forward with the imploring croon of, “Please see me now for who I am” and the sobering recognition of, “I chose wrong” at its core. “Now”, with its careful layering of sounds and winding of self, is where a comfortable mix of past generations and the vivid grief of regretful choices blend into a song that speaks to humanity’s desire to change the course of time — Where in the spiral of memory, like the rings of the Jetty or the lulling of Peña’s voice, we are led deeper within ourselves, squashed between the now and then forming an ouroboros. ♦